I Find No Absolution
Time to make use out of the true purpose of this weblog: to get stuff out.
There was a day during my freshman year of college that really stood out to me, a defining moment that I remember more than the person who began it. I had a whole gaggle of friends then, male and female, and amidst them were all manner of relationships, platonic, romantic, or whatever. Everyone generally got along, but there were spats, resentments, arguments, and the like.
This one day, while we were walking down College Avenue, my friend and roommate Darren said to me something like, “You know, Jeff, no one ever has problems with you.” I never thought about it before then, but I realized he was right. With all my friends, I was friendly but aloof. I cared about them all, but quietly. Generally soft-spoken, but always willing to talk. I had no troubles with any of them. If someone were fighting with someone else, any of them could still talk to me.
Before this, the only strife I'd ever known was limited to constant arguments I had with my mother back in high school due to my audacity to grow my hair long. Turbulent fights, but in the grand scheme of things, pretty paltry indeed.
But when Darren told me that, I felt really good about myself. He probably doesn’t even remember it. Who knows? But it really struck me, and I knew he was right.
What I didn’t know then was that the following semester I’d get involved with a person and very real emotional pain would eventually occur. Neither instigated by myself nor her, it was just the inevitable conflict that comes when romance is not meant to be. And so began my long campaign of no longer being quietly caring. From thereon, if I cared about someone, I’d get involved in their life one way or another. I’d ask questions, I’d pry, I offer advice, I’d speak up. No more being aloof.
And so I’ve learned, with many people since, that to truly care is to get hurt. If you speak up, there will be consequences. Retaliation. I know a handful of peacemakers now, people who never strongly offer their opinions, seldom if ever give personal advice, and just generally remain consistently pleasant. Like my old self. Quiet friendship. They’re well-liked, and no one usually gets mad at them. But no one usually confides deeply in them either. They're not a threat to your heart, they don't invest a great deal of affection, so they're not worth attacking. I envy them, but I know I can probably never be them anymore. Would I want to be? I miss that old persona, I miss the innocence I enjoyed, but it's not really in me to be that way again.
If you speak up, dare to intervene, dare to speculate, about the lives of other people, people you like, people whose future you give a damn about, you officially declare yourself a target. Sometimes it’s because people don’t want to hear the truth. Sometimes they just want the company of people who agree with them, tell them the things they want to hear. I’ve come to know a lot of people like that.
Should anyone be reading this with suspicion, take no offense. This isn’t about you. I’m talking about ten years worth of friendships, relationships, and acquaintances. Be angry at me. I’ll go on caring. I’ll do it quietly if you like. There is still one who I entreat who can do more with our lives than I can.
The things that we’re concealing
Will never let us grow
Time will do its healing
You’ve got to let it go
Closed for my protection
Open to your scorn
Between these two directions
My heart is sometimes torn
There was a day during my freshman year of college that really stood out to me, a defining moment that I remember more than the person who began it. I had a whole gaggle of friends then, male and female, and amidst them were all manner of relationships, platonic, romantic, or whatever. Everyone generally got along, but there were spats, resentments, arguments, and the like.
This one day, while we were walking down College Avenue, my friend and roommate Darren said to me something like, “You know, Jeff, no one ever has problems with you.” I never thought about it before then, but I realized he was right. With all my friends, I was friendly but aloof. I cared about them all, but quietly. Generally soft-spoken, but always willing to talk. I had no troubles with any of them. If someone were fighting with someone else, any of them could still talk to me.
Before this, the only strife I'd ever known was limited to constant arguments I had with my mother back in high school due to my audacity to grow my hair long. Turbulent fights, but in the grand scheme of things, pretty paltry indeed.
But when Darren told me that, I felt really good about myself. He probably doesn’t even remember it. Who knows? But it really struck me, and I knew he was right.
What I didn’t know then was that the following semester I’d get involved with a person and very real emotional pain would eventually occur. Neither instigated by myself nor her, it was just the inevitable conflict that comes when romance is not meant to be. And so began my long campaign of no longer being quietly caring. From thereon, if I cared about someone, I’d get involved in their life one way or another. I’d ask questions, I’d pry, I offer advice, I’d speak up. No more being aloof.
And so I’ve learned, with many people since, that to truly care is to get hurt. If you speak up, there will be consequences. Retaliation. I know a handful of peacemakers now, people who never strongly offer their opinions, seldom if ever give personal advice, and just generally remain consistently pleasant. Like my old self. Quiet friendship. They’re well-liked, and no one usually gets mad at them. But no one usually confides deeply in them either. They're not a threat to your heart, they don't invest a great deal of affection, so they're not worth attacking. I envy them, but I know I can probably never be them anymore. Would I want to be? I miss that old persona, I miss the innocence I enjoyed, but it's not really in me to be that way again.
If you speak up, dare to intervene, dare to speculate, about the lives of other people, people you like, people whose future you give a damn about, you officially declare yourself a target. Sometimes it’s because people don’t want to hear the truth. Sometimes they just want the company of people who agree with them, tell them the things they want to hear. I’ve come to know a lot of people like that.
Should anyone be reading this with suspicion, take no offense. This isn’t about you. I’m talking about ten years worth of friendships, relationships, and acquaintances. Be angry at me. I’ll go on caring. I’ll do it quietly if you like. There is still one who I entreat who can do more with our lives than I can.
The things that we’re concealing
Will never let us grow
Time will do its healing
You’ve got to let it go
Closed for my protection
Open to your scorn
Between these two directions
My heart is sometimes torn
posted by Jeff LaSala at 8:17 AM
7 Comments:
I understand what you're saying here, but being open and dierct isn't always what friendship is about to people.
For instance, there are plenty of things I can't talk to some friends about, where I can with others. The reason? Sharing things isn't always about hearing what the other person thinks about your life. Sometimes you can have friends that have strongly differing opinions about life. If you bring something up in your life to them, there WILL be judgements and admonishing. So sometimes having a friend means there are things that aren't going to be discussed.
Casual friendships are underrated. It isn't necessary to be deep into the life of every person around you. Sometimes it's refreshing to have someone that you, say ONLY talk about music with. That way every meeting doesn't have to involve your personal affairs and any "friendly" speculations and interventions.
And I'm not talking superficiality here- you can still base them on things you care about, but they don't have to be TOTAL.
I personally do not have a friend to whom i can discuss EVERYTHING with, and part of that is not because of the desire to have "yes" friends or to avoid confrontation, but because of the fact that some friends will never understand that the decisions in your life that they don't agree with aren't something to "change" or "fix". Oh, they believe they are- because it doesn't jibe with their style- but I believe it's the desire (in part) for THEM to have friends JUST LIKE THEM.
Yep, sometimes it's the reverse. Instead of complacancy being a sign of wanting shallow, stable relationships, it's the incessant prying that signifies a desire to "convert" a friend with unique personality to being super-similar.
So you see, being an outwardly caring friend DOES make you a target, but this is not necessarily unjustified, as there are plenty of people out their getting in peoples' faces for the wrong reasons.
Another thing I've learned is how common this pattern is: Once Person A has met someone who does indeed try to *convert* them into some way of thinking, anytime Person A meets another person who has some kind of belief, Person A is convinced that this new person is always trying to convert them. Person A will be on the defensive, always expecting this attempt.
In short, there's just always too much guesswork and interpretation going on. So few people take anyone's direct words as, oh, I don't know...what they *mean* to say.
Haha... so, if you think about it, it's probably best to be the "aloof" type. The best friend is the kind that you can get along with, that can listen and offer advice *when asked*. I've found hilariously that my ability to listen to people (which gives more of an impression of concern than any amount of advice giving) has given people the impression that I'm someone I'm not. I can just about count on my hands the amount of times someone's said "Wait, I thought you were really religious!" or "What? I had the impression that you were all about sex." or something like that. what cracks me up is that typically the people that are saying these things are the people who ARE religious or fixated on getting laid and stuff. This happened mostly in college, and I think it's because rather than pushing my ideals on people, I allowed themselves to be who they were and they assumed I was the same.
This doesn't bother me- and in fact my attitude towards alcohol and drugs has giving me more of some sort of "moral" impression than my actual behavior, but I think my point is that people are who they are to me, and I'm not too concerned about getting into their personal shit. I like to know what's going on in the lives of my friends, and I like the select conversations I can have with each one of them- the things I can't say to some I say to others, and I think it works the same way for them. That's well rounded, people.
And the ones I can't deal with at all? I don't waste my time on that.
Part of being a friend that gets involved is taking it upon yourself to understand when someone is asking you to comment and when someone is asking you to listen. The best of these type are the kind that can tell when someone is ACTUALLY asking for advice subconsciously. Defensiveness is often a sign that they are NOT asking for an opinion.
I have no problem telling someone when I want advice, and I think it's fairly obvious when I'm not going to listen to unwanted opinions. That's just me. I've also been labeled to some as a good listener, which means to me that I can manage to be objective when the situation calls for it. I think friendships can have a high level of objectivity. All relationships can. It's refreshing to see a situation through the eyes of someone who believes something completely different.
... as long as they're not a raging racist or something.
You're right. Defensiveness usually means someone doesn't want any opinions...or they want a predetermined answer. Then again, defensiveness sometimes just manifests when you've been wrongly accused of something, or they've got you all wrong.
Whatever. Too much intepration all around. Few people actually tell the truth when they speak.
yeah, when people ASK your opinion then get offended by the truth- that's the worst!
Man, I love it when Josh shows up.
I don't always agree with him, but he usually has something interesting to say...
Post a Comment
<< Home